Posts Tagged ‘start’

Start Procrastinating

22 September 2010

Dear J-

“Getting started is the hardest part.” They sound simple and innocuous enough, but coming as they do at the end of the latest harangue about the general state of my desk I can’t help but feel wronged. If I had a place to put everything I wouldn’t be in this mess, but then again, if I had a place to put everything I’d be a lot less busy. Double-edged sword and all; I try to keep the most recent requests in a small pile, but that means putting off the rest of my work until next week and next week after that. It’s not always easy to devote the time needed to keep organized, but a few minutes a day wouldn’t hurt.

Likewise at home, the cleanout needs to start happening before much longer. If, as I’d projected, I would really want to pull up the carpet and paint the walls (and maybe even install a tubular skylight), all that takes time and money, which are in short supply at the moment; shepherd the resources, though, and I’m sure I could squeeze time out of the lazy bits I decompress during. An hour a day, maybe, that’s not bad, from now until the test; then afterwards, the time I spend studying can be spent fixing up the room and grouting the hallway.

Problem is it all sounds great on paper, but it’s the getting started in the intimidating face of reality — the room is so messy, my desk is so buried — that it’s easy to reassure myself with promises of tomorrow. Yeah, good time to start, right? After a while it’s already October and your time is eaten up by long hours at work, those best hours of your day spent somewhere else and not where you ought to. Enough. Today we’ll be able to take a baseline before and run it up against an after, to see whether this is truly possible, or whether I’m hoping for fruitless miracles here.



Time Stops III

2 September 2009

Dear J-

Heading in to Labor Day weekend (hey, it may only be Wednesday for most of us, but it’s a step closer to Friday and therefore the weekend) I’m reminded of school starting up again.  We’ve got just a third of the year to get through, just as I was getting used to 2009 (heck, just used to writing a 2 at the front of my checks).  This time of year back near Spokane meant going to school with a jacket and taking it off for the afternoons — the crisp bite of fall never really materialized until late September — and the last weekend before classes started was filled with the delicious anticipation, fueled by crisp new stacks of paper and school sundries, clothes, and attitudes.

It used to be similar at work; I’d look forward to getting on my bike and heading off into the dark to challenge the work load to beat me, and I’d generally win that battle.  Now it feels as though every step is filled with the heavy shuffle of dread, wondering what thing I did wrong will come back to haunt me.  It’s small consolation to know that if I did nothing at all, then I’d have done nothing wrong; if you identify yourself in the work you do, which may be a double-edged assumption, then you take these things fartoo personally when they blow up on you.

So, instead of anticipation, dread.  Fear replaces curiosity; it’s interesting to see that as the atmosphere becomes more heavy-handed draconian, we’ve replaced the ladder of accountability (either things happen to you, or because of you — you want to be on the top rungs of action) with the fingers of blame.  I find myself second-guessing every action I take lately; perhaps i’ve regressed to second grade, when it was more important to do the worksheets fast and stylishly, not correctly.  Yet if I couldn’t do it right, wouldn’t the villagers be at my door with pitchforks and torches?  Everything comes full-circle, I tell myself, such is the wheel of life; if life is work then I know I’ve made the wrong choices.