Dear J-
There are people in this world that you can argue with until you’re blue in the face and you’ll never convince them to your point of view. Is that a failure of your ability to argue or their stubborn intractability? Or does it go even deeper: are you so convinced of your own correctness that you refuse to give up on your stance? I have a certain grudging admiration for these folks and there’s times I’ve been among their confident members, more concerned with winning an argument than getting things done. There are rules for these things — just as you wouldn’t hit below the belt or go before the gloves are dropped, the art of argument is better served by some baselines.
If it’s worth arguing over, after all, it’s worth arguing well. Don’t drag the past into the conversation. There are no points given for saying “you always ____” and “you never ____.” What you’re talking about is the here and now, so you have to have a short memory and a long capacity for forgiveness. Stop repeating your arguments. If you want to be convincing as a lirstening adult give the other person(s) the benefit of the doubt and assume they heard your points already. Seek first to understand — step back and try to understand where they’re coming from first. Understand the stakes. Is this even worth taking a hard-line stance?
Are you willing to be wrong? It’s the scariest thing sometimes, saying I’m sorry and knowing you mean it, hoping it’ll be heard and accepted. If you’re not willing to be wrong then you’ll never enter any argument with the hope of getting anything constructive out of it. There are a million things that may annoy you but remember that reaction is completely different from action. Who’s calling the shots for what I do, you or me? If I’m reacting then it’s not me making the choices. The million mile gulf between our viewpoints is often a nuance. Given the right perspective and lever you’re both able to hop right over without a second glance backwards. Winning, right, that’s winning.
Mike
Dear J- 