Worried Way

Dear J—

I see you and you’re waiting, we’re waiting, we sit down to idle away the most-of-an-hour that runs between here and there. I talk to the other train riders and I hear what they have to say, what’s happening and what’s new in their lives as we pick up and drop off more and more passengers. We’re back to the early-morning dark and it won’t be until after Halloween now, right, with the shifting clocks and lost sleep, the gathering light and shifts.

I’m still not sure what I’m saying. It’s no doubt better to work out the mental kinks now before I find myself losing it as the day wears on; there’s a balance between being fresh and getting up too early and starting too late, but there’s also a disturbing trend of not being able or willing to start hitting it as soon as you walk in that door, unless of course there’s something more … deeper? Infuriating? Urgent? We already have several thousand different things to-do on the list, so why should we even pretend that there’s free time? The thousand things we have time for doesn’t necessarily translate into productivity.

The longer I’m at work the more I feel vaguely fraudulent; who’s to say that I’m a particular expert in this versus anyone else, merely by dint of experience and effort? Is that enough? When we were putting together the slides I thought to myself how much I knew and then upon reviewing the drafts I realized how much I didn’t. When you do you stop feeling so crazed and uncomfortable with yourself? Do you ever?

Mike

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