Dear J—

How do you know … how tired you might be? I’m sleeping more lately and feeling better about things although to be honest I wish I didn’t have a hair trigger on the temper. I swear it’s getting better but it feels like I can make a kid sad just like that. No, I wonder if I would be better able to hold on to some of the thoughts I had last night if I had more sleep or maybe less; it’s hard to say because I haven’t rested well and when I do I end up waking up a little early, or the first alarm is enough to get me moving in the morning and out the door, on my way south to join the rest of my commuters traveling on into the dark (now featuring more dark than this time last week).

We have thousands of days ahead of us and hours to make our choices and so little time to actually get stuff done. I can wish that we had a different situation for a number of reasons but in the end we have to live with what we’ve got and what we’re doing works for now. I can’t be too amazed that I have no idea how to deal with the kdis at night when I make no effort to deal with the kids by myself. This isn’t right. When was I afraid of taking them out in San Diego, of walking around with them or going for a jaunt up to see the park? And now? Ugh, it’s too hot. Or sunscreen is required. There are plenty of fun things to do but I always feel like my attention is divided, that there’s something better to do. But there’s not.

Okay, so let’s make a deal. Do this and we’ll say it’s okay to do that. We can trade off time, we can figure out something fun to go do together without having to be so deathly afraid of not doing it right because you can’t be afraid of living. The hours you spend are investments and what’s best is best for all of us.



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