Now Not Trying

Dear J-

I must have mentioned it before but it’s been difficult to get out of bed in the morning lately; between the cold and the dark it’s nice to be warm, though I’m often warm enough by the time I get on the train. Then there’s the bike ride to consider: if it’s wet or windy that becomes more trying (on the other hand we haven’t had any Santa Ana/Chinook winds here, not that I’ve noticed, at any rate) that becomes another impediment to getting out of bed. Serious impediment. Worst of all, though, is when I get to sleep late, I’m not looking forward to getting back up the next day, and yeah, I’m not very good at it either any more.

The whole next day is sludgy. Slow thoughts, low energy, no brilliance on display. I on the other hand am … guilty of all these things. Guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Last night — more accurately, this morning, I stayed up so I could edit another Wikipedia article; there’s something vaguely comforting about summarizing sources and making sure they make sense, and it’s hard to let that go if I don’t get a chance to do something about it during the day. I think it’s because it feels like a worthy cause, taking care of articles and tidying them up. I do need to start getting to bed earlier, though. So many hours in the day; so little time.

At the moment my hand feels like it could be frozen into a claw; that results from having my fists balled up tight overnight, even if overnight is only a few hours at this point. I’ll let it be for the day but things have got to change, and soon.


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