Down Beat

Dear J-

I wonder if … but I …

It was a hard weekend for me, and if it was hard for me that makes it doubly hard on the kids, I’m sure. I’m overly aggravated by small things, and ingratitude grates more than normal and every thing else, too, I’m sure. It’s as if I wake up in the morning on weekends and it’s a question of marking off time until I go back to the company of adults. Which is of course not right but …

Whenever I call my parents they’re genuinely happy to hear from me. I want that — don’t want to force it, but I want to feel that kind of joy in the mornings but all the excuses I make then don’t sound very true (or reasonable) in the morning. There’s no particular reason aside from losing control and even that’s losing its particular charm. I’m at a loss. It’s been a hard weekend for me. And that makes it a hard weekend for the kids too.

If I’ve always prided myself on patience and endurance (I know, those words sound alien) as an adult, what does it say about me at home?

The last thing an angry person wants to hear is “calm down” but think about the various talismans and icons in your life that you’ve chosen as your symbols of control and power and how they’re adding up lately. Then think about how you choose to play with the kids and whether that’s a wise use of your time.



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