Everything New

Dear J-

Fury and fire move in similar patterns: they burn and leap from one to the next. If anger is a coal you clutch to yourself in an attempt to extinguish it, then you’re not doing it right.

There are any number of rational explanations for why we are unable to I can’t seem to get past myself lately and all of them have to do with me. If you want to change, then change will happen. If not, then you’re stuck hoping with both hands and doing the same things in the meantime. In other words, it’s not going to happen. It’s not personal — this is not personal — and you have to stop treating it like it is. Your rational thoughts should rule your conscious mind.

There’s some sticky situations yet to be threaded; in terms of parenting we’ve only just begun (and does that ever stop? I look at my folks who end up feeding us and entertaining on a fairly regular basis, and I conclude no, so why do I expect the world to pause every evening around nine or so?), and it’s hard to reconcile that, even eight years later: you don’t have the free time you might have had before, and why I have yet to realize this I don’t know. We’re all always working hard, and being envious of having kid-like levels of free time isn’t very productive. It’s no longer just sufficient to be a half-comatose lump in the same room, so step up your game.

Everything seems better and worse in the mornings, and at night the same patterns repeat themselves, daily weekly monthly I follow through and the next morning has me dissecting the night before: where did it go off the rails, why did I let it happen, how will things be better next time even though they end up all loused up again? That temper I remember from being a kid: it resurfaced at the exact wrong time, and now it needs to go back.



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