Whole Earth

Dear J-

I have my doubts about what might come next, but I’ll tell you this much: it’s not going to be easy. Things are changing and I’m not going to be able to be as lazy as I have been, which is both frustrating and enervating: are you ready to tackle this, and what choice do I have? Our situation is not the same as it was in San Diego, so why should I believe we retain the same habits and abilities as last year, too? Scratch that: it’s now been a whole year since we moved, and the boy has now had two birthdays in the north, same number as he’s had in San Diego and though he may never remember San Diego clearly, he is going to remember what happens now. I owe him that.

What do you end up owing your family, in the final calculus of accountancy? Everything: as the athletic metaphors go, if you’re leaving some in the tank/not on the field/giving it all on the ice, then you’re going to be disappointed in the playing time you get. This is the simplest thing: be as good as you can be for as long as you can be. You realize that go is as simple a game as you can think of yet it takes ages to master, as you never truly comprehend the patterns and strategies without significant repetition. Perhaps this is the repeating part, or maybe I’m a slow learner, but these lessons have come pretty hard lately and I know that I haven’t been as … forthcoming? evitable? selfless? as I need or would like to be.

I can feel the tiredness underneath my eyes this morning. It’s been a difficult weekend for me, compounded by feeling selfish and sorry for myself, even as there’s been very little actual effort expended on my part and what little there was ended up accompanied by extensive complaining and groaning, even if only just internally. Drive that poing home: are you feeling sorry for yourself lately? Is there a valid reason? This gets back to enumerating the reasons to be blessed, the thousand different ways in which your life is better now than yesterday, so let’s start counting.


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