Lead Off

Dear J-

So in total, if you add up the accomplishments for October and weigh them against the time spent I’m running a huge deficit, no matter how you account for it: money, relationships, productivity. This I blame only on myself. There’s a lot I should be trying to work through and yet here I am, editing Wikipedia instead or with another browser window up and at ’em. I have learned a lot, and it has been personally fulfilling, but there’s a lot I should have been doing instead too, though I’m not sure how I’m going to fix that now, bare moments before the deadlines. Actions and consequences and difficult hours spent thinking of ways to do things without actually trying or doing. Smart, I know. So flaky, too.

It was a relatively quiet weekend, although I wonder if we aren’t making the wrong decisions with respect to spending too much time at home absorbed in inactivity; why shouldn’t we be spending more time outdoors walking around? Then we do, like we did yesterday, and I remember why. The few times we have gone hiking in parks together has been a strong reminder of why: let’s go home, I’m tired, my feet hurt. There’s only so much of that you take without giving in, but still … I wonder. We need more structure and activity in our lives; there is no particularly good reason for me to be leading my particular group in Pocket Planes except for opportunity and laziness.

Yet what would we do instead? I have a thousand different ideas and not enough willpower (but so much resentment) to follow through on them. Although the radius is limited by bladders I should think we have enough time to be working to extend it, but it takes a lot of energy to ignore the kids, doesn’t it? Maybe I’m crazy, though, and what we have is the new normal; where we used to walk together now we’re in a rush and drive instead because it’s a triumph of the convenience over what we know is right. I dunno. If only we had a family of bikes to be deployed at a moment’s notice …



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