Late Doubts

Dear J-

Yeah, today’s gotten off to an auspicious start, hasn’t it? I remember waking up for the alarm and thinking that I still had plenty of time and then the next thing I know, theVet is poking me in the side and asking me if I didn’t need to be going um, now? There is no lunch packed in my sack, and I didn’t have time to do my usual lazy bike ride up to Burlingame station. So there’s that, along with staying up too late for the 90th day in a row (that number may be slightly exaggerated) and spending too much time worrying about the new crop of bruises and scrapes that seem to pop up every time I get under the light (seriously, it’s like when it’s dark I can’t see anything and bump into stuff accordingly).

Litany of sins done. Let’s start worrying about how you’re going to start making some sense out of the numbers you’ve compiled yesterday (apparently the era of 100+MB spreadsheets is not quite yet over) or how modest you’ll be about congratulating yourself later for hopefully a job well done. Hoping and wishing in one hand; what do I put in the other? Which one fills up first? The waking judgment is suspect as sleep decreases, and now with the equivalent of a good night’s sleep spread over two days I have my doubts what I’m doing is … qualified? You throw a lot of numbers on the floor and see which ones make sense, mop up the rest and worry about the trends.

I suppose it’s really just the masquerade of whether or not I really know what I’m doing, or if I’m just pretending it’s so. Lately it feels like the pretending is more but the data are there to be tortured and interrogated (funny how the verbs we choose sound like they’re enemies rather than magical creatures to be pampered and massaged to coax answers out) by anyone with a consistent approach. The question of whether the approach is consistently correct or not should probably be addressed first, but how do you address it definitively? There are no absolutes, including answers, and confidence takes a hit the longer you start to wonder; yet you forge on without pause and why?



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