Ed Wood City

Dear J-

This weekend I realized how time spent is a vicious circle: I got to spend a lot of time with the kids and the usual nightly routine of them getting up and running around and asking for water and carrying on wasn’t as annoying as usual. That was only a small fraction of the day I spend with them. During a regular working day we’re together only a few hours at most (let’s see, officially from approximately 5 to 8, which includes whatever screen time they get after dinner) and so the carrying on is a disproportionately large amount of the time they do interact with us (they/us may not be the best relationship to describe here) and so it becomes incredibly frustrating to spend all that time yelling and being well, frustrated. Vicious.

It also doesn’t help to be sleepy, in dire need of a nap to get through the evenings quicker. There’s far too much time spent burning the candle at both ends: why not get more sleep instead of extending selfish leisure time ad infinitum? You spend the time together but alone, there’s not enough spent going through things with the family. The pendulum eventually corrects and swings back to a more normal pace, but meanwhile you’re left with guilt and thinking maybe tomorrow, it’ll be better, how lucky are you to be falling back into the same habits of yesteryear. But sleepy often means crabby, especially when the kids know you’re not paying attention.

Stops making sense, all of this, then. We spend long hours unraveling the knots when chaos is the natural state of things. That’s fine, we’re great, thanks. How much longer would we spend doing these things if we knew what the future costs would be? Yes but: if we could call the future and ask, would they care? And: wouldn’t we make the future different just by knowing it? I love that I’m trying to read a crystal ball for fifteen years from now while making intelligent assumptions about what’s possible and what’s probable. Flight time and be serious about it, driving us all crazy with the thousand glittering possible tomorrows.



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