Incoherence End

Dear J-

I was perfectly prepared for today to be Saturday, at least last night, until I figured out I would have no such luck and ended up here instead: Friday morning, early train, on-time and headed south. It has been hard to get up but then again it’s also been hard to go to sleep lately too it feels like. One week until we move and one week closer to being normal. Or at least as normal as we can get it. I like looking out over the endless lot of lights at Hillsdale and marvel that we’ve ended up here, doing this, by the water, whatever and where-ever we’re supposed to be doing and going. We are lucky and life is good; a couple of weeks from now maybe we can plan on getting out early to the New Year celebration. That’s it for plans.

For the rest of today I get to drag my feet through more of the same as the rest of the week: the hours pass by until it’s time to go home and meanwhile I’ll keep forgetting what I was supposed to be doing at home until it was too late. Too much, too late, too little, all uphill all the time. Was there ever a more treacherous crew than the one between my ears? We hope to close the documents out today, and we hope to start our move soon after that. We’ll have a good time together pretending we understand it.

It’s a long week: it has been, it will be, but I can also see we’re getting closer to the end of it all. Six months ago we had nothing but fear and worry, regret and stress in equal measure. Now the stress is no less but we’re staggering a lot faster — and closer — to the end. Keep moving forward, drive on driver, all the meaningless filler phrases to show how we have been able to let time move on with no discernible effort on my part. I feel sometimes like all I’ve been doing is nothing, for anyone but me, and yet somehow that’s the best I should have been doing too.



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