Ever Faithful

Dear J-

We had a few small things to do this weekend, and more time than not was spent watching passively — TV, YouTube, you name it, cartoons were on tap and best behavior was not on display, mostly from me, though. I give full voice to my rage in this time of upheaval and it’s hard to estimate what that does now but I know how it rolls forth thirty years later. If I’m angry and frustrated and yelling over every little thing, what sort of lesson does that teach, what do you learn from that? Yeah, that’s right. I know there’s some link between watching how my parents fought or carped over the little things other drivers would do and how I fall into those patterns again today. I’m not saying that they were bad examples, though — don’t get me wrong — just that how you deal with frustration is passed on so directly you might as well show the best foot forward.

Saturday we didn’t have much of a plan for anything, and it showed: we didn’t get to see the best side of anyone. We’re still packing desultorily, here and there, in the few minutes between when the kids go to bed and when we fall unconscious again; the schedule isn’t the greatest, them going to bed so late, but we can deal with it, right? I suppose the irregular bedtimes and too much screen time doesn’t help anyone: we think it’s doing us a favor but it’s not. Life isn’t always as easy as that. You pay for it in one way or another, so if you invest the time now it pays off later, right? I wonder if kids would be so obedient if they knew what the adults knew: no one knows everything, and being an expert parent is impossible.

Yesterday we took some time to go to the playground and dig in the sand instead of just staying at home all afternoon. That worked a lot better, but I was asleep for much more time: did that work out better, or was I just oversedated? I found I couldn’t fall asleep too fast last night, and I don’t know if that’s because of the afternoon nap or because I wanted to finish the novel I was reading (The Killer Angels, Michael Shaara — more on that tomorrow) and it kept echoing in my head even when the pages were closed. Yesterday started strangely off and turned out all right: we’ll get through this. For this I have faith.



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