Starting Over Again

Dear J-

I suppose everyone feels like a fraud now and then; off balance and unready, strange stirrings of incompetence when I used to be the go-to guy for a lot of these analyses. I’m stuck reading documents and catching up and it is a noble goal, but I’m failing to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s why I keep pictures of the kids on my desk: here is where we are headed, this is what we must do. I think of all the things my parents have been able to provide for me and I worry that I’m not going to be able to do the same. I know the opportunities are there, I just need to settle in and understand why. Okay, enough work talk.

One of my favorite things about riding the train is having nearly an hour a day to read without interruptions. I’ve pretty much transitioned to reading exclusively off the phone, and checking out books through the local libraries’ Overdrive site. Over the past month I’ve been catching up on Carl Hiaasen and Haruki Murakami, and I don’t — not entirely — miss the paper world. There’s all sorts of things I maybe should be doing such as catching up on my work reading but with this much going on the option of a few minutes’ down time is luxury. Plus I don’t know why but I enjoy being back on public transit. It’s the first time I’m riding regularly in fifteen years and it’s as wonderful as I’d imagined.

So yes. How are things going? Nicely. Life is good. People are nice. The weather is good. The sun is nice. Everything is blandly enjoyable and I feel like I’m drowning. I think back to the “wear sunscreen” speech and how one of the advised ideas is to live in Northern California, but to leave before it makes you too soft. I understand it better now, but we keep moving forward regardless. I can/must do better than what I have been, I get to reclaim it, because as hard as I might think it is to be starting over, it would be even harder to be starting over again, wouldn’t it?



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