Confessional Devotion

Dear J-

I’d say there’s nothing to say but that’s something, isn’t it? At work it feels like I’ve been there too long, or perhaps it just means I’m not taking it seriously enough. I keep thinking there’s a list of stuff I’m not supposed to be doing which I have managed to follow to the letter. Stupid. What makes me think this is I’m not going to be going to be evaluated on that? I have to remind myself that it’s not just me on the hook any more: it’s the whole family, isn’t it? Be smart about the shortcuts you take, especially when you’re in a sort of evaluation period. if we need this — operative word being we here — if we need this job to live and survive in the area and there’s no going back, we burned those bridges thoroughly, then it behooves me to shape up.

Writing on the train makes me think of this as a bit of a devotional activity, head down and hands folded together, nearly, this is my prayer, here is what I hope, this is what I must do today. Amen. Confessional too: bless me for I have sinned. I have forgotten to devote every waking hour to the furtherance of the company. I should be less cavalier about the capabilities of information technology departments nowadays; they’re a lot more capable than I generally give them credit for, right? What makes me think I’m still at home? It’s a strange feeling, having had six weeks off and then suddenly starting up again. Aren’t I ready to work right now? I should be …

The whole issue with “I should be ___” is I just don’t know what I should be expecting, or how fast, or in what order. There is plenty to do, sure, but … but nothing. That should be enough. I tell myself I should be grateful: aren’t there plenty of folks who’d love to have a job paying what I do in an office all day? You bet. The privilege of riding on a train twice a day? And a bike? Up here with my family? Are you kidding me? Life is great. Stop trying to screw this up. Take the ride for what it is: confessional, devotional, preparational, time spent reflecting on what’s been done and what needs to happen. Regrets are done, let’s get going on the next.



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