Emotional Mess

Dear J-

Some days I despair that being a parent has made me into a big emotional softie; in addition to the burgeoning evidence that I’ve become a thirteen year old girl, including loving boy bands (What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction, along with just about anything from Katy Perry), weeping inappropriately in children’s movies (the part where Merida’s mom and the bear …), and voraciously reading what’s turned out to be a Harlequin romance novel (hey, the Graveyard Queen series, by the pen name Amanda Stevens was billed as a spooky story), everything I write lately that’s not for work is about my kids.

Maybe it’s just freed me to be more in touch with my sensitive side, although that implies that I’ve got a sensitive side, something my family would probably not accuse me of most of the time. Well, make that a considerate side; I could volunteer unsaid to do things like the litterbox or dishes. These are all true and all new with little ones in the house; it’s hard to believe that we embarked on this only five years ago (plus change) as I’m finding it hard to remember life without kids; hearing men — single men, I suppose — talking about video games and relative merits of various systems yesterday triggered a brief wave of nostalgia for when that was my life, although not for too long.

On the other hand when I think about events like the Aurora shootings massacre* I can’t help but imagine what the parents of the kids killed and injured must be going through; recently one of my good work friends lost her grandson to a freak drowning accident; he was a few months older than Calcifer and I say that I couldn’t imagine what she must be going through. But I know the size and weight that hole would leave in my heart and yeah, I guess I am a total softie now. The process has opened my heart to the possibilitiy of life beyond me, and that deserves the best of me.


* it’s only taken the gun folks four days to work up the nerve to respond; the president of the concealed carry association spoke up to mention that hey, if this hadn’t been a gun-free zone then the shooter would probably have moved on, picking a different site altogether (or maybe been taken down by some shining paragon of justice in a white hat, raising his Magnum up from a hidden holster and blowing the shooter away). Seriously? These cowboy justice folks leave me incredulous with their Monday Morning Quarterback stance, believing that they would have made a difference other than causing more chaos and misery. Crawl back under your rock.


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