Find Your Bliss

Dear J-

I woke up early enough but managed to hit the snooze button just right (or somehow reflexively used it just enough) to make me a whole hour later where I desperately tried to get out the door fast enough but not before gettting caught by figgy who told me she had to go potty and change her pajamas this made me just late enough to discard any serious notion of riding the bike (which.needs repair again, anyhow — broken spoke) and so of course I kicked me feet a little in a tantrumy protest instead for a few minutes. The pint is that uultimately if I just got up when the alarm sounds I’d have no problem with additional wrinkles to the schedule and that’s my goal (along with getting enough sleep for once) for now.

Years of bad sleeping habits have meant that I’m wholly reliant on naps in the vanpool and elaborate preparations (making lunch the night before, laying things out so I don’t have to fumble in the dark for clothes and wallet) in order to broadcast the responsible punctual adult image. It feels like a sham, though; I catch myself saying “when I grow up …” at least four times a day and I suppose at this age, thirty-six and change, it’s time to put that away. I tell myself that the lessons are not always the ones I overtly sit down and teach figgy and Calcifer, but that they’re sponges who watch what you do and how it’s done and then strive to do it to the best of their abilities. The unspoken lessons by example are the ones I have to watch most.

Someimes I wonder what life would be like without kids but not often; that’s always been in the back of my mind ever since I was twelve or so and heard that my cousin was on the way; hard to believe that she’s twenty-four now and off to grad school; hard to reconcile the adult with the child I remember and I suspect that part of me will always think of figgy and Calcifer as the same too. I wonder what we used to do with all the time we had, I wonder if the these lessons are sticking, I wonder what we’d do without us. It takes me a minute to get calm again but the exercise is worth it: I’ll find peace.



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